Discerning at the Crossroads

I am at a crossroads with my business. Whether I have been here before, or never actually left the intersection in the first place, only God knows. What I do know is that I am here at the crossroads now. I’m not 100% sure what all happened to get me here, but I am here and I have been struggling!

Now, I am someone who has a million ideas for any given situation and this situation is no exception! I can’t tell you the number of times I have told my husband with all the confidence that I could muster, “I’m going to do THIS with the business!” And maybe I really believed that that was the path I was going to embark on. Maybe, and more likely, I was grasping for some sort of firm ground in the middle of a long, arduous discernment season.

And that is what this is. A discernment season. Discernment is different for me from decision making as discernment involves more intuition and heart than decision making. Most importantly, though, it involves a whole lot of Jesus. When discerning, it is important for me to seek God and his will as I make a decision. There is so much that goes into this process that I can’t put into words, which is why I haven’t been able to write about it until now.

I long for this business to have meaning outside of making money. Meaning outside of consumerism and capitalism. I can get lost in the big idea of “purpose” and all that it would do to bring meaning to the business and my life. Because, to be honest, I haven’t felt a lot of meaning in my life lately. I’m struggling with church, I don’t have a job where someone assigns meaning to my tasks. Yes, I have a kid and there is great purpose in being a mother, but that is not the end of me. I am more than a mom and a wife and I seek greater purpose and impact than my family.

I sorted some of this at the beginning of the year, when I sat down and wrote out some values. These values — community, quality, and ingredients — were a way forward in which I could stand on more than sugar and butter, but on caring for my customers and giving back to the local economy by focusing on local goods.

And yet, I know that I do actually need to make some money. The income I bring in from this business is necessary for us to be able to pay our bills and buy food. I have been disappointed in this aspect of the business. I have also been disappointed in the up and down nature of this work. It turns out that not many people want to buy cake in 90 degree weather!

Then we add in all the possibilities that come along with a baking business. And there are so many! Just to give you a taste, here’s a list of *some* possibilities: custom cakes, corporate orders, wedding cakes, store front, food truck, farmer’s markets, pop-up markets, festivals, private parties, classes, content creation, etc. I mean…what am I supposed to do?!?

All of these things and all the other voices of the world — other bakers, social media, my family —, keep spiraling in my head causing me to be confused and unable to make a decision with any certainty, confidence, or peace.

I know that for the sake of my sanity, my family, and my business, I need to quiet myself. I need to take time to connect with myself and with God without the other voices. From this place of grounding and love, the spiraling will gradually slow down and stop and I will be able to look with sober heart and mind at my business and my life. From that place, I can take slow, steady, stable steps in a direction away from these crossroads and towards something.

It is not clear what that is just yet and I know it will not be easy (what journey is?), but I know it will have many moments of beauty, peace, and love. Oh, and butter. It will definitely have an abundance of butter :)